touching on guilt and depression

The littlest things make me feel guilty, which then creates a downward spiral into further depression, a need to self harm and suicidal thoughts. You think I don't know that killing myself would be "selfish" and that I need to "think about others"? Fuck you. I've had enough of catering to other people's delicate and ignorant egos. I'm very much aware of people around me, and how much better their lives would be without me in them.

warped tour..? (and more!)

Hey!

So, it's been a while. (sorry.)

I thought I'd get anybody who still reads this, up to date with me! (And hello to any new people who were directed here, or if you had an uncontrollable hand seizure and wildly keyboard-smashed your way through the internet!)

First off, I have been thinking about that whole video youtube thing, but I still haven't gotten around to it. But I hope I will..? Just making random videos or vlogs, and also vocal covers because fuck you. (just kidding i love you no come back)

I don't know if you know this, but this summer I went to Warped Tour, which was fucking awesome, but it's been, what, almost three months. But that was awesome, and if you want to know more, you can ask. I could (and probably will) make something like a warped tour survival guide, of sorts.

Sometimes I check facebook and I think "what a bunch of fuckwads why am i still around you" but it's strategic, really. And other times I look and see the other awesome people there, like Ben (who is living in toronto the little assface) and Nic and Alaia and Isabel and other people from tumblr. But then I go on tumblr and I cry because feels ughewhsjklgalkds

I had some other points but I forget them now, so I'll get back to you later.

Goodbye my lovelies and smile, because you are a beautiful individual!


I love you!

It sucks being female, period.

(omfg that was the best unintentional joke ever omfg)

anyways, being a girl really does suck. Like, a lot.

Since before I can even remember (My mom's told me about this) I've always wanted to be a guy. To be born a guy. Then I would be so much happier, and I could just be gay every where just gaygaygaygaygaygAYgAYgAYGAYGAYGAYGAY EVERYWHERE.

Sorry. But it's true.

Yep. So you're looking at a possible transgender in the making here.

That would actually make me so happy.

Operation yolo

Hahaha, okay I just wanted to share this with you all.

So today at recess I explained this game to my friends, called "get down mr. president" and it's kind of a spur of the moment game, where you don't really plan it cause it won't but fun that way. You play it by one person puts their finger to their ear like the stereotypical secret service agent. Then when the others notice, they do the same thing. The last person remaining without their fingers on their ear, everyone yells "get down mr. president!" and tackle them.

But we decided to do this in class.

So after lots of discussion and debate, this is what we ended up with:

because Ben, one of the most leader-like people in our group, sat right beside one of the other fore-mentioned friends, it was decided that at a certain time (in math class) Ben would start it by putting his fingers to his ear, then when everyone (well everyone that knew about it or played along)was doing the same thing, he would yell out "Get down, mr. president!" and he and bryce (president) jumped under their desks. But so did everyone else.

So everyone was under their desks, then Ben stands up, looks around and says "all clear. Thank you for your cooperation" and everyone stands up and sits back in their seats and continues working like nothing happened. We thought it would be hilarious.

Well it was. At least to us. We did it to confuse our teacher. And because she has a good sense of humor we didn't think she would be angry. She wasn't. She just ignored the whole thing. She didn't even acknowledge it. It was kind of disappointing.

So I think we're gonna try it again, maybe in french class or english.

So yeah that was the highlight of my day. Enjoy.

(P.S. The best part? We called it operation yolo. Cuz, ya know, yolo)
(PSS Oh, and in case you wanted to know who Ben is, he's one of my best friends, and he has a blog here! But he's moving to Toronto over the summer D,:

Hi guys! (Pushypushypushylalalala)

So what's up?

I'd like to ask a teeeeeeny favour from you guys. Just a small one.

Since I know that people do see my blog (almost everyday, actually) it would be great if you could maybe interact with me a bit more? I don't want to sound pushy or anything, but it would actually help a lot if you were to just comment on my posts once and a while! I love to hear from you!

Also, if you could vote on the little poll I have on my side bar! That would be amazing, and I would love you forever. (Just don't be a dick about it, kay?)

I've been thinking about making vlogs. I'd probably post them on youtube, but I don't have to. It could just be between you and me.. ;D

Anyways I'd LOVE to hear from you; I love each and every one of you lovely visitors!

Goodbye for now,

Iloveyou..<3

Hey

It hasn't really been too long, but I felt like posting, so here I am.

What's up with you guys?

I haven't been ignoring you, I've just been really busy. And it seems I've only been posting the sucky, depressing things. Well here are all the awesome things that have happened recently, or even just things that make me happy!

• I'm going to the fucking Vans Warped Tour this summer!! VANS WARPED TOUR, bitches!!!!! With Rose!!! We're so fucking pumped!!
• And Skrillex is coming to Toronto this summer too, but alas, I cannot go, as it is 2 day before I go to warped, so I probably won't be allowed. Oh Well.
• The Avengers movie came out yesterday, and I want to see it so badly!!! There's a song by bvb in it, "Unbroken" It's new, and I already have it on my iPod. Rose and I were gonna got see the first showing, but then she had to babysit her little siblings, and today her mom's taking her dress shopping for grad... So we'll see when we can go...
• I had a lot of pizza this week. That makes me happy.
• I have a book report I'm working on in english, and one of the parts I chose to involve was writing poetry to do with the book. And I thought I was doing pretty well, until I realised I had started writing a song by accident. fUCK DA POLICE!! But it's still awesome!
• Tumblr's been pretty cool lately...
• Blood On The Dance Floor was added to the Warped tour band list, and the're gonna be playing AT TORONTO!!!!!! THE SHOW I"M GOIN TO!!!! I'm quite elated...

There's probably more, but I gotta go now.

Cleaning day.....

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck

I want to die.

Actually I don't. I just don't want to feel this anymore. This hurt. This searing heartache.

Earlier tonight I asked Nic who he liked. For me, that took a lot of guts. He likes someone else, of course.
Why the fuck would I even think about believing otherwise?! I'm a fucking retard for even hoping! Why the fuck do I even bother? Nobody loves me, not now, not ever. Fact. Do you know what it's like to feel like your heart has just been ripped out and then have to act like you're completely fine? It sucks. It makes you want to just go cry alone in the dark until you pass out, and hope that you never wake up. It does.
And let's just say that this makes for an interesting love quadrilateral... With lots of variables.

I have to go now. I can barely see through my blurring vision.
I never thought that it would hurt so much.
Now I know better.