I want to die.
Actually I don't. I just don't want to feel this anymore. This hurt. This searing heartache.
Earlier tonight I asked Nic who he liked. For me, that took a lot of guts. He likes someone else, of course.
Why the fuck would I even think about believing otherwise?! I'm a fucking retard for even hoping! Why the fuck do I even bother? Nobody loves me, not now, not ever. Fact. Do you know what it's like to feel like your heart has just been ripped out and then have to act like you're completely fine? It sucks. It makes you want to just go cry alone in the dark until you pass out, and hope that you never wake up. It does.
And let's just say that this makes for an interesting love quadrilateral... With lots of variables.
I have to go now. I can barely see through my blurring vision.
I never thought that it would hurt so much.
Now I know better.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Fuck boys and their fucking confusingness
Wow, feel like it's been a really long time since I've posted on here. I'm always on tumblr, because I actually like it more. But if I ever want to post something that nobody I know will ever find out into the internet, I use this. Like now for instance. (and the rant is off! Girly feelings are in the lead, with angst and crying neck and neck for second!)
First off, boys. I hate them, I do. But I also love them. At times I just want to throttle my best friend Ben, and other times he's really amazing. It's usually a mix of the two. And if you've been reading my blog for a while or have read my past posts, you might be wondering "what about Nic?" The thing is, I have really conflicted feelings. I still like Nic, a lot, but I haven't told him anything yet. And then there's Ben, who is probably my closest guy friend, he can be super nice, funny, and protective, and I kinda do like him. But I know that one of my friends like him. I also think that he still likes his ex, Britt, who is in our class. They dated for I don't know how long, in grade 4 or something, I honestly don't remember. I don't remember much of anything. So anyways Brittany is still friends with us, of course, and she's going out with an englishite. (we're all frenchies: people in French immersion. Englishites are kids in English. I came up with the name; if you take the e off the end it's english shit. Tee hee. No offense intended to all the nice English kids) Anyways she's taken and I think Ben still likes her, though I don't know. And then another friend whom was namelessly mentioned earlier likes ben for a fact, and I kinda like him. But I like Nic too. I have no idea who Nic likes, if he does at all. I got off track. Where was I again? Oh yeah! And to top it all off, Ben if moving to fucking toronto for high school. Ben is probably the only person happy with this, but we'll grin and bear it. Fuck, I think I'm going to start crying again. I was crying for absolutely no reason earlier. Well, no, ca c'est une mente; je pleurait a cause de tap tap quatre que je jouait earlier. It juste ne veulent pas cooperate. Oh fuck half of that etait en francais. Shit, I can't seem to stop and I'm too lazy to retype. As a side note: I actually type moat of my posts in one go, without stopping, and it's all just verbal diarehha, or however the fuck you spell it. Anyways... Crap, I forgot again. Oh yeah, I was crying because tap tap was being a bitch. I know that's stupid. I do. But I just need to cry, and that seemed to set me off, so I went with it.
Also, I'd like to mention that Ben is going to be in the festival of the stars for an accompanied solo on the flute! I've been before for singin, and it's quite fun. And yes, while I do kinda like him, he's still my best friend, and I'm probably just going to ignore my little crush and be supportive of him. Of him playing in the festival of the stars, of anybody he likes/dates and mostly of him moving away. And honestly, anybody that I've ever liked, I've never told them. Dropped them hints, maybe, but never told them. I guess I'm just a coward. But in my defense, I only ever seem to like my close friends (males; I don't think I'm gay, but I hope everyone would be fine with it if I was) and I don't want to fuck up my friendships, so yeah. I also don't think anybody could like me at all, ever, like that, let alone the people I like. But, you know, if I know you and you do like me, feel free to tell me! I've been wondering who all my friends like nowadays.... Like Danielle and Alexander s. and Ben and Nic... Danielle uses to like Alexander, but she said she doesn't anymore... I'm such a girl, wondering who people like. Eh, whatever, I know that ben wonders the same things sometimes.
My toes are really cold right now. They've been hanging off the end of my bed for probably the last 40 minutes while I've been typing this post. I've been typing it on my iPod so it take longer than normal. Also, while I'm on the topic of feet, my right foot really hurts. You know, the one I sprained a couple months ago? Yeah, I think it healed wrong or something, because it's still swollen. And it hurts. But I already told you that.
I'm fat. Did you know that? All my friends say that I'm not, but fuck them, I know I am. I fucking disgust myself. I actually tried for the first time to forcibly vomit, but I didn't. I'm probably going to try again after I post this. I know it's an extremely bad habit to get into, but I just can't help it. I relish the hunger pangs I constantly have, as morbid and mentally disturbed as that seems.
I'm going to be going to the the avengers movie when it comes out with rose and probably Danielle, Sarah P. and Britt, too. Rose and I pretty much only want to go for the music. New songs by Rise Against, Shinedown, Evanascence, and most importantly, BLACK VEIL BRIDES!!!!! I'm so fucking excited!! The song they have in the movie is called "Unbroken" and I fucking love it, and I've only heard a one minute teaser of it!!
And speaking of music, guess what I'm doing with rose this summer? Really, you have no clue?
WE'RE GOING TO THE FUCKING VANS WARPED TOUR IN TORONTO, BITCH!!!!!!!!
I'm so fucking excited!!!!! So many fucking amazing bands!!!
Haha, did you know I have violent mood swings, all the time? Because I do.
I need to get off soon... It's 10 o'clock as I type this sentence, and I've been working on this post for almost an hour, I think.
So I'll see all you people later, when I watch you in your sleep.
Every. Single. One of you.
Good luck sleeping now.
Mwahahahahahahaha.... /fade out
Rachel :*
First off, boys. I hate them, I do. But I also love them. At times I just want to throttle my best friend Ben, and other times he's really amazing. It's usually a mix of the two. And if you've been reading my blog for a while or have read my past posts, you might be wondering "what about Nic?" The thing is, I have really conflicted feelings. I still like Nic, a lot, but I haven't told him anything yet. And then there's Ben, who is probably my closest guy friend, he can be super nice, funny, and protective, and I kinda do like him. But I know that one of my friends like him. I also think that he still likes his ex, Britt, who is in our class. They dated for I don't know how long, in grade 4 or something, I honestly don't remember. I don't remember much of anything. So anyways Brittany is still friends with us, of course, and she's going out with an englishite. (we're all frenchies: people in French immersion. Englishites are kids in English. I came up with the name; if you take the e off the end it's english shit. Tee hee. No offense intended to all the nice English kids) Anyways she's taken and I think Ben still likes her, though I don't know. And then another friend whom was namelessly mentioned earlier likes ben for a fact, and I kinda like him. But I like Nic too. I have no idea who Nic likes, if he does at all. I got off track. Where was I again? Oh yeah! And to top it all off, Ben if moving to fucking toronto for high school. Ben is probably the only person happy with this, but we'll grin and bear it. Fuck, I think I'm going to start crying again. I was crying for absolutely no reason earlier. Well, no, ca c'est une mente; je pleurait a cause de tap tap quatre que je jouait earlier. It juste ne veulent pas cooperate. Oh fuck half of that etait en francais. Shit, I can't seem to stop and I'm too lazy to retype. As a side note: I actually type moat of my posts in one go, without stopping, and it's all just verbal diarehha, or however the fuck you spell it. Anyways... Crap, I forgot again. Oh yeah, I was crying because tap tap was being a bitch. I know that's stupid. I do. But I just need to cry, and that seemed to set me off, so I went with it.
Also, I'd like to mention that Ben is going to be in the festival of the stars for an accompanied solo on the flute! I've been before for singin, and it's quite fun. And yes, while I do kinda like him, he's still my best friend, and I'm probably just going to ignore my little crush and be supportive of him. Of him playing in the festival of the stars, of anybody he likes/dates and mostly of him moving away. And honestly, anybody that I've ever liked, I've never told them. Dropped them hints, maybe, but never told them. I guess I'm just a coward. But in my defense, I only ever seem to like my close friends (males; I don't think I'm gay, but I hope everyone would be fine with it if I was) and I don't want to fuck up my friendships, so yeah. I also don't think anybody could like me at all, ever, like that, let alone the people I like. But, you know, if I know you and you do like me, feel free to tell me! I've been wondering who all my friends like nowadays.... Like Danielle and Alexander s. and Ben and Nic... Danielle uses to like Alexander, but she said she doesn't anymore... I'm such a girl, wondering who people like. Eh, whatever, I know that ben wonders the same things sometimes.
My toes are really cold right now. They've been hanging off the end of my bed for probably the last 40 minutes while I've been typing this post. I've been typing it on my iPod so it take longer than normal. Also, while I'm on the topic of feet, my right foot really hurts. You know, the one I sprained a couple months ago? Yeah, I think it healed wrong or something, because it's still swollen. And it hurts. But I already told you that.
I'm fat. Did you know that? All my friends say that I'm not, but fuck them, I know I am. I fucking disgust myself. I actually tried for the first time to forcibly vomit, but I didn't. I'm probably going to try again after I post this. I know it's an extremely bad habit to get into, but I just can't help it. I relish the hunger pangs I constantly have, as morbid and mentally disturbed as that seems.
I'm going to be going to the the avengers movie when it comes out with rose and probably Danielle, Sarah P. and Britt, too. Rose and I pretty much only want to go for the music. New songs by Rise Against, Shinedown, Evanascence, and most importantly, BLACK VEIL BRIDES!!!!! I'm so fucking excited!! The song they have in the movie is called "Unbroken" and I fucking love it, and I've only heard a one minute teaser of it!!
And speaking of music, guess what I'm doing with rose this summer? Really, you have no clue?
WE'RE GOING TO THE FUCKING VANS WARPED TOUR IN TORONTO, BITCH!!!!!!!!
I'm so fucking excited!!!!! So many fucking amazing bands!!!
Haha, did you know I have violent mood swings, all the time? Because I do.
I need to get off soon... It's 10 o'clock as I type this sentence, and I've been working on this post for almost an hour, I think.
So I'll see all you people later, when I watch you in your sleep.
Every. Single. One of you.
Good luck sleeping now.
Mwahahahahahahaha.... /fade out
Rachel :*
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